


why don't you like me without making me try?

by bell_yay



Category: The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: M/M, Miscommunication, Post-Canon, and actually provide the content im tagging lmao, idk what else to tag this, ill probably add more tags when i upload more chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-10 01:38:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12901212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bell_yay/pseuds/bell_yay
Summary: Batman’s changed and he’s ready to start fresh - he’s trying to be a good(ish) father to Dick; he’s worked out how to have a platonic friendship with Barbara; and he’s even starting to warm up to the idea of being part of an… f-word again. With all this new stuff happening in his home life, the familiarity of fighting the Joker should be a welcome relief, especially now that his feelings are out in the open. Just one problem - Joker doesn’t seem to want to fight anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> is anyone else still as into the lego batman movie as i am? no? just me?? cool
> 
> im writing this by the seat of my pants to force myself to do something with my time so hopefully ill update once a week or something (fingers crossed)

Batman was starting to like this whole… _f-word_ thing. Having Dick running around the place at high energy was ironically cathartic. And Alfred was happy, which. Well, Batman guessed that was alright, too.

Barbara was over most days, popping in after she finished work to say hi to the kid and share her latest catch with Batman.

Which. Was weird.

Batman hadn’t fought a single person since Gotham had almost been destroyed. Not a single fight. There hadn’t been any major crime. Barbara had said that was to be expected for a couple of days after the incident, to give everyone some time to relax and take a breather, but it had been a whole _month_. Every time something came up, Barbara had it covered by the time Batman even showed up. Harley and Ivy robbing a bank? Off to Arkham by the time Batman’s on scene. Catwoman stealing a priceless diamond from the Gotham Museum? Back in its case before Batman can lift a finger. Killer Croc breaking into the zoo to swim with the alligators? Okay - that one was kind of sweet. Which is why Barbara had let him off with a warning by the time Batman could pull out his grappling hook.

Which was fine. This was. _Fine_.

Because, hey. Barbara was a good friend. And if she wanted Batman and the law to work side-by-side, he was happy to let her have some of the spotlight. Just a little bit.

And besides, he was Joker’s Worst Enemy. They were exclusive now. Were they? They hadn’t talked about that. They hadn’t talked about _anything,_ actually. Joker had gone mysteriously off-grid. Batman was starting to feel on edge. It was certainly a change from their previous status-quo, where Joker had been blowing up buildings to spell out “I hate you”, tooting his annoyingly chipper car horn just to get Batman’s attention. But he wasn’t on edge about that. No - it was just that he hadn’t punched anything in a while. That was all. He didn’t _need_ Joker’s attention. He just needed to know if he could punch other people or not. Yeah, that’s it. Nothing weird here at all.

Which was why he had ‘Puter send him a text alert when there was _finally_ some news coverage on Joker.

 

“Batsy! Come on in!”

Joker was perched comfortably with his feet on one of the few tables at the ice cream bar, leaning back with a cup of Batman-themed ice cream and a laptop open in front of him. Batman scanned the area - to his surprise, it was clear of hostages and explosives, but the shop employees looked nervous all the same. He cautiously took a seat at Joker’s table.

“So, Jay Bird,” he started. Now that he was here, he didn’t really know what he wanted to say. You can’t really just ask someone why they’re _not_ committing crimes. That was what he wanted, wasn’t it? But then Joker wouldn’t be his Worst Enemy, and wasn’t _that_ what they _both_ wanted? Why wasn’t this more straight-forward? Joker just smiled at him benignly around a spoonful of unnaturally yellow ice cream. Batman opened and closed his mouth awkwardly, umming and ahhing, before reluctantly settling on, “What have you been up to?”

“Ooh!” Joker perked up. “I’ve been doing all these quizzes online, see?” He spun the laptop around to face Batman. ‘ _Which Gotham Supervillain Should YOU Date?_ ’ Batman frowned. “I got myself, of course. You try it!”

“Uh, I didn’t really come here to, uh -"

But Joker was already hovering expectantly at his shoulder, staring at the screen, so, with some reluctance, he began selecting answers.

“So, uh -”

“Ooh! You’re a nude sleeper, huh? Me too!” Joker beamed.

“Yeah. Anyway, I was wanting to ask you -”

“Not a pineapple on pizza guy, huh? I appreciate the sweetness myself. But that’s cool.” Joker checked his nails. “Sorry, you were saying?”

“Well, I haven’t really been doing much lately myself, and so I was just wondering -”

“Looking for a sense of humour in a partner, huh? That’s interesting.” Joker grinned from ear to ear. “What were you wondering?”

“I _might_ have been wondering what you -”

“Ooh, look! Your results!” Joker picked up the laptop in his excitement. His face immediately fell. “Catwoman?! What?” He snapped the laptop shut with a huff, flopping back down in his chair and taking a big comforting scoop of the ice cream.

“Joker, I was wondering when you were planning on us.” Batman struggled to push out the next few words. “ _Fighting_. Again.”

Joker’s face softened.

“Oh.” He set down the ice cream. “I. I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it.” He was keeping his face carefully nonchalant, eyes off Batman, watching the paint he was flaking of the table with his fingernail. “Why? Would you - Is that what you want?”

“Well - Yeah, I thought that was what we _both_ wanted. You still want to be Worst Enemies, don’t you?”

Joker paused and slowly nodded.

“And -" Batman hesitated. “You still hate me, don’t you?”

Joker stilled altogether at that, a look of alarm on his face.

“It’s fine if you don’t,” Batman said hastily. “I don’t really care either way. It’s just - good to know. That’s all.”

“No, no! I hate you!” Joker said, but something about it made him look sad afterwards, sliding down in his seat. “Of course I hate you. What else would I -?” He quickly shut his mouth and made eye contact with the ice cream menu. Batman pursed his lips. What was Joker’s _problem_?

“Well, that’s good to hear,” Batman tried. Joker made brief eye contact, his smile only barely there. Batman refrained from groaning. Joker couldn’t be in a slump right now. Batman _needed_ someone to punch! Sure, he could punch anyone, he guessed, but for some reason he only really wanted to punch Joker. This time he did groan.

“What?” Joker said, mouth full of ice cream, bushy brows upturned with worry. Batman groaned again.

“I meant what I said, before.”

“That… you’re glad I hate you?” Joker tried. Batman rolled his eyes. Did he have to do _all_ the heavy lifting here?

“When I said you were -” Batman strained over the words. “My. _Worst_. Enemy.” Joker’s eyes sparkled. Something flickered inside Batman ( _hate, probably, right?_ ), and he pushed out the next sentence almost involuntarily. “And I hate you.”

Joker bit his lip to keep from breaking out into an all-out grin. Finally, someone who _appreciated_ how much effort it took for Batman to do all this emotion crap.

“I - Me too,” Joker said, voice catching strangely. Batman frowned. _Why won’t he say it back?_ Joker cleared his throat. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I have been working on a little something.”

The employees who hadn’t already fled out the back door squealed and cowered behind the counter. Joker reopened his laptop, unperturbed, and started typing away in an open word document. He tilted the screen away when he caught Batman trying to catch a glimpse.

“Uh-uh! No peeksies. It’s not ready yet.”

Batman narrowed his eyes, but fought to keep a smile off his face. The promise of fighting in the future was better than no fighting whatsoever. With the emotional labour over, Batman could relax. He leaned back in his seat, looked at Joker. There was that  _annoying_ smile again. He willed himself to brood. But there was something -  _ugh_ \- heart-warming about Joker's dumb, smug face, and something endearingly annoying about the way he wouldn't look at him that made Batman just want to - 

Batman abruptly stood.

“Well! I’ll leave you to it! Hear from you soon, bye!”

Batman smashed a smoke bomb into the ground. Joker blinked, wide-eyed.

“Wait -”

Room smoke-filled, the only indication of Batman’s departure was the _thwip_ of a grappling gun and, well, the sudden absence of a Batman as the room cleared. The employees looked over the counter and were disappointed by which of their two guests had decided to leave.

Joker let out a dramatic sigh and placed his head in his hands. He read and re-read his word document. He sighed again.

“I am so screwed.”


	2. Chapter 2

Joker sagged in his well-loved armchair, angling himself away from the villains on the other side of the room. They’d been loud and over-excitable ever since they’d fought alongside Batman, but it was remarkably easy to tune them out if you just kept flicking through the channels. _Fwip_. Static. _Fwip_. More static. _Fwip_. Static again.

“Harley!” Joker called out, louder than necessary. “Did you remember to pay for cable this month?”

“Just watch free-to-air!” Harley yelled back. Joker mumbled angrily under his breath and switched inputs. A David Attenborough documentary on - _argh_! Bats, seriously?

Joker turned the set off with a huff and folded his arms. The rest of Gotham’s rogues seemed louder and more annoying now there was nothing to off-set them. Riddler was loudly recounting his past escapades (with more theatrics than necessary) to a small but well-entertained audience. Penguin was laughing loudest of all - _HAW HAW HAW!_ Joker clenched his teeth. Bane, for his part, was grunting loudly as he punched Killer Croc into the wall. _THONK_. Killer Croc just crawled out of the increasingly Croc-shaped indent in the wall, gave Bane a thumbs-up, and lined up to go again as Clayface and Crazy Quilt applauded. Joker squeezed his eyes shut tight and covered his ears in the hopes of blocking them out, but he could still hear _AGAIN! AGAIN!_

_HAW HAW! THONK! AGAIN! AGAIN! HAW HAW! THONK! AGAIN! AGAIN! HAW HAW!_

“Can you all shut up?!” Joker screeched, glaring at them over the back of his chair.

The room went silent. That made Joker feel a little better, his chest puffing out with pride at the power he still held over the villains of Gotham. But a cursory look over their faces seeded him with irritation - they weren’t afraid of him, they looked almost… _worried_ about him.

Joker rolled his eyes and sunk back into his seat with a pout. He heard irritating whispering and was gearing himself up to scream at them a second time when he heard the unmistakeable sound of Harley’s roller skates making their way towards him.

“Hey, J-man,” she said carefully, leaning against the headrest. It made Joker’s head sink uncomfortably into the cushion. He huffed. “How ya doin’?”

“Been better,” he offered.

“C’mon, Mister J! You should be smilin’!” She gave him a chipper nudge on the shoulder. “The boys are having a great time; the B-Man told ya he _hates_ ya -”

“I know I should be happy, Harley!” Joker snapped. Harley’s eyes blinked wide. He began again, softer. “I should be happy, but I’m not.”

“Oh, this is worse than I thought,” Harley mused. She reached for the remote and turned the set back on, swapping quickly from the bats to a news channel. Joker covered his eyes at Batman’s appearance on-screen. “C’mon, sugar, just have a look.”

Joker uneasily peeked between his fingers at the screen. Batman was idling beside the new Commissioner Gordon on the podium as she gave her speech.

“ _The past few months have seen a significant decrease in crime,_ ” she was saying. Batman’s eyes wandered. “ _We’re happy to be working hand in hand with Batman, especially now that his role is almost a symbolic one. Batman hasn’t had to fight a criminal at all since we started working together, and we plan to keep it that way._ ”

“See, Mr J? Batman hasn’t fought anyone.” Harley leaned in close. “Because he and you are _exclusive_!” She waggled her fingers excitedly. Joker had to admit, it did make him feel a little better. The crowd on-screen was applauding Commissioner Gordon’s speech. The Commissioner gestured for Batman to step forward, and they put their arms around each other, waving at the crowd. They held each other very close…

Joker turned the set off.

“Hey!” Harley said. “What’s up?”

“Do you think Batman’s gay or straight?” Joker blurted. Harley blinked.

“What?”

“Just - don’t think about it. Go with your gut feeling. Is Batman gay, or straight?”

“Well, I mean,” Harley stuttered. “I don’t like to assume -”

“It’s a simple question, Harley!” Joker stared at her. She stared back, silently demanding an explanation. He sighed and pulled his laptop out from under the armchair. “See, I’ve been thinking about it. So I made this chart.”

Harley stared. In Joker’s open word document, he had two columns: _EVIDENCE THAT BATMAN IS STRAIGHT_ on the left, including things like “toxic masculinity” and “emotionally unavailable”, and on the right, _EVIDENCE THAT BATMAN IS GAY_ , including things like “overdramatic” and “dresses like a bat”, and, most recently, “came and watched me eat ice cream”. Joker quickly clicked into the left column and typed “Commissioner Gordon”.

Harley struggled for words.

“Why,” she started. “Why… Why didn’t you just use Excel?”

“Because Excel’s _complicated_ , Harley!”

“That’s not - that’s not the issue here! Pumpkin, none of this is going to let you know if Batman will date you or not.”

Joker made a strangled noise.

“I never said anything about _dating_ Batman!” he said, voice strained and high. “Who cares if he wants to date me? Who says _I_ want to date _him_? Huh?”

Harley just gave him a long, sad look. Peeking over the back of his chair, Joker could see that the other Gotham villains, all of whom had been listening to this conversation, were also giving him long, sad looks. Joker sighed.

“Okay, so what? I want to date Batman.” Joker tried to sound nonchalant, but his voice still wavered a little. He cleared his throat. “What now?”

“Well, cupcake,” Harley grinned, “you gotta find out if he’s single.”

“And how do I do that?”

Harley’s grin grew wider and Joker shrunk down into his seat.

“This sounds like an inside job.”


	3. Chapter 3

Batman grumbled and tore down the green and purple banner that had appeared across the top of the staircase.

“Alfred!”

A few seconds later, a few rooms away: “Yes, sir?”

“I thought you said we’d cleaned up all of Joker’s crap!”

“I thought we had, sir. But it is a rather big house after all. Forgive me for missing a spot.”

Batman huffed under his breath again and looked at the paper banner in his hands. It was crude, not Joker’s usual style, like it had been whipped up in a hurry. The paint had dribbled, but it could easily be read: “JOKER”, and then a big red heart with an X through it, and then “BATMAN”. Strange, Batman could’ve sworn he’d been in this room since they’d cleared Joker’s stuff away. Rude of him, too, not to have at least _offered_ to help pack up _his_ mess. Not that Batman had helped either, he wasn’t paying Alfred to just stand around all day after all, but -

A jolly clown tune chimed loudly throughout the whole building. Batman groaned and covered his ears - Alfred hadn’t gotten around to change the doorbell back to a far more tasteful “na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-BATMAN!”

Tearing the banner up and tossing it at his feet, Batman dragged his feet to the front door.

 

Barbara frowned at Batman and leant against one of his desks in one of his studies that he’d dragged her into for a private conversation.

“Batman, if you know _anything_ about a crime Joker is planning, you legally have to tell me,” she said, firm. “And then we - as in, the _law_ \- can handle it.”

“Barbara!” Batman whined. “He’s _my_ Worst Enemy! And I don’t know anything, anyway,” he added in a mutter.

“Oh, really? Well, I had several reports that you were fraternizing with him in an ice cream joint.”

“Pfft,” Batman scoffed. “Fraternizing? With Joker?” He hesitated, and ended with a half-hearted “Ew.” Barbara narrowed her eyes.

“I don’t think fraternizing thinks what you think it means, but it doesn’t matter because it seems like you’d do whatever it is you’re thinking about with him anyway.”

Barbara sighed and pulled out her phone. She turned it to Batman. On screen, a photograph of Batman and Joker laughing together, taken through the window of the ice cream shop.

“So this _definitely_ isn’t you?” Barbara asked. Batman stared at it for a long while.

“No?”

“Really? Because I can see your face pretty clearly here and it sure _looks_ like you.”

“You know how it is,” Batman laughed nervously. “Impersonators get more and more lifelike these days.”

Barbara rolled her eyes and put her phone back in her pocket.

“I can’t believe you’re lying to me,” she said. “Actually, I can believe it. This is just like you.”

“I can’t believe you won’t believe me!”

“I can’t have you running around putting Gotham in jeopardy just because of your little _crush_ on -”

“Uh, no. Batman does not have _crushes_. Least of all on _Joker_.” Batman turned up his nose and crossed his arms. “In fact, I haven’t seen him in months.”

_CRASH!_

A panel in the ceiling came crashing to the floor in a flurry of glitter and squeaky toys, Joker tumbling down on top.

“I _knew_ it!” Joker shouted, pointing an accusing finger between Batman and Barbara. “You two are - are _fraternizing_!”

“Oh, my god,” said Barbara.

“Of course!” said Batman. “You’ve been breaking in and redecorating my - Bruce Wayne’s house without him knowing!”

Joker gave him a look.

“What? No. That was just to pass the time.” Joker waved the thought away. “I’ve broken in to spy on you and find out if you and _her_ were - were - you know! What I caught you doing!”

“Talking?” said Batman.

“Wait, wait,” Barbara put her head in her hands. “Joker, you’ve been breaking and entering Wayne Manor? You know I’ll have to arrest you for that, right?”

“Ye-” Joker began.

“No!” Batman cut in, waving his arms frantically. “No. He hasn’t. I… invited him here! He’s my guest. Aren’t you, J-Bird?”

Joker narrowed his eyes.

“… No?”

Batman lowered his voice.

“Joker, can I speak to you in the hallway for a minute?”

Joker nodded. Taking a deep breath, Batman took Joker’s hand and threw down a smoke bomb.

“You really didn’t have to do that,” Barbara coughed.

 

“I’m not fraternizing with Barbara,” Batman said for the seventh time, his voice more gravelly than usual.

“Well, what are you doing then?” Joker said with a huff. Batman rubbed his eyes. They’d been standing in the hallway for several minutes now. Barbara was sure to accuse him of fraternizing again. Which was definitely _not_ what he was doing, by the way. Fraternizing would involve about 60% more tongue and - oh, now Batman was thinking about it! He shook his head.

“Barbara is my platonic work-friend,” Batman said to Joker’s blank stare. “You know. Like, you and Harley Quinn. But less creepy.”

“Barbara’s your girl-buddy?”

“Sure, yes. Barbara is my… girl-buddy.”

Joker grinned a completely un-creepy grin that Batman absolutely _hated_.

“Happy?” Batman said.

“Yes, actually.” Joker squeezed Batman’s hand, which led Batman to the realisation that they’d been holding hands this entire time. He quickly let go.

“Alright. Good.” He coughed. Joker kept smiling. Batman hid his blush under the mask. “You better get outta here, then.”

“Sure thing, B-Boy!” Joker sing-songed. He saluted and turned in the direction of the front door without needing directions, a decided spring in his step. “See you around.”

Batman shook his head and opened the door to the study.

Barbara was waiting for him, arms crossed and eyebrow raised.

“I know you lied to me just now,” she said, “to get Joker out of trouble.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Barbara rolled her eyes and stood up straight. That was always a bad sign. Batman waited. Was she going to demand he turn over Joker? Was she going to take him back to Arkham? Or worse, was she going to take _Batman_ to Arkham instead? Was lying a crime? Was _fraternizing_?

“Batman,” Barbara sighed. Batman held his breath. She made eye contact with him. “I hope whatever’s going on with you and Joker… works out.”

Batman just gave her a befuddled look. Barbara rolled her eyes a second time, muttered something that sounded like “unbelievable” under her breath, and pushed past him to leave. Batman stood staring at the desk.

“What was _that_ all about?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going on holidays like tomorrow lmao which means i will be blissfully disconnected from the internet which means i wont have a chapter up next week but dont worry we'll be back to our regularly scheduled program the week after


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is up later than i planned sorry !! but here it is lmao thanks for all the lovely comments btw i love reading them ❤

Joker pulled back one of the panels on Wayne Manor’s wall and crept inside with the slice of cake he’d swiped from the kitchen, right under the old man’s nose. For a billionaire with plenty of things to steal, Bruce Wayne sure had bad security.

Well, you didn’t really need security when you were roommates with Batman, did you?

But then again, here Joker was, in Wayne Manor, and Batman hadn’t caught him yet.

Except from the whole falling through the ceiling thing. But that was largely intentional.

Joker slotted the panel back into place and sunk into his velvety neon cave. Sure, he’d stolen a few cushions here and there, but they’d technically never left the premises, so it wasn’t technically _theft_ , right? Joker took a bite of his cake.

“ _What’s the four-one-one, Thing One?_ ” Harley’s voice crackled through Joker’s walkie talkie. “ _Over_.”

“We’re in the clear, Thing Two,” Joker replied. “The B-Man’s single. Over.”

“ _That’s great, Mr J! What now? Over._ ”

Joker looked appreciatively, and a little sadly, around the den he’d constructed. He sighed.

“I think I’ll stay here for the night, girl-buddy,” he said. “I’ll see you _-_ ”

The panel in the wall slid open and Joker was face-to-face with a pair of black-rimmed glasses. He heard a squeak and assumed it was the little boy’s until he realised it was him.

“ _Mr J?_ ” Harley chirped. “ _You alright?_ ”

“Uh, yeah,” Joker muttered, maintaining eye contact with the boy, who hadn’t moved a muscle. “I’ll call you back. Over and out.”

The boy looked familiar. Red sweater, green eyes, freckled cheeks… Joker had seen him somewhere before, he could’ve sworn it.

“You’re in big trouble, Joker,” he said, voice wavering. Joker twisted his smile into a sneer.

“Thanks for waiting for me to finish my call,” he drawled.

“I mean it!” The little boy puffed out his chest, green eyes blazing. Something so familiar - “Just wait till I tell Bat-Dad!”

Joker snapped his fingers.

“A-ha, you’re Bruce Wayne’s kid, I’ve seen you on the news!” He froze. “Wait, Bat-Dad?”

The kid - Dick Grayson, was that his name? - went pale, his eyes darting. Joker almost felt a small victory coming on, but then -

“They share custody!” Dick squeaked.

“Who?” Joker dreaded the answer.

“My two dads,” Dick said, less nervous. “Bruce Wayne and Batman.”

Joker sunk back into his pile of cushions, gloomily numb. Well, he finally knew Batman was gay, but at what cost?

“How long have they been together?” Joker mumbled.

“Um,” Dick panicked again, “I don’t know.”

“I’m happy for them,” Joker lied, curling up into a ball. He was already thinking of ways to kill Bruce Wayne. But wouldn’t that make Batman sad? Maybe just a friendly kid-napping. No, not that either. He’d have to think of another way to split them up.

“Um,” Dick’s high voice broke into Joker’s reverie, “well, I’ll just leave you to it, Mr Joker.”

“Just put the panel back as you go,” Joker groaned.

“I’m still going to tell Bat-Dad on you,” Dick said, shuffling awkwardly. Joker just stared at the wall. After a moment or two, Dick replaced the panel and Joker heard his footsteps fade away.

The walkie talkie crackled again.

“ _You all good there, Mr J? Over._ ”

“Harley,” Joker said, “I have to find Bruce Wayne.”

 

When Dick showed Batman to the panel, Joker was gone.

 

Joker had stayed two more whole days in Wayne Manor and hadn’t seen hide nor tail of its owner. The only people he ever saw were Batman, the kid, the butler, sometimes Commissioner Gordon, but never Bruce Wayne. Maybe he and Batman were going through a rough patch. That’d be good, right?

It was a small comfort. Really, Joker just felt stupid. Of _course_ Batman was dating Bruce Wayne. Or married. Oh god, they weren’t _married_ were they? They lived together, that was bad enough.

Cameras flashed and Joker shielded his eyes from the glare. He frowned as Bruce Wayne made his way down the stairs of Gotham University, lapping up the attention.

Joker slinked around to the back of Bruce Wayne’s expensive convertible and waited for the suave billionaire to unlock his car before climbing in the back seat. Sure, the top was down, but Joker did have basic manners. Once they were roaring down the highway, Joker made his move.

“What is your relation to Batman?” he yelled, springing up. Bruce Wayne yelled and swerved, getting the car back under control.

“What the -”

“Answer me!”

“Is this a hold-up?”

“Yes!”

“You don’t even have a weapon,” Bruce Wayne said, smirking a truly infuriating smirk and looking at Joker through the rear-view mirror. His eyes were piercing, and such a deep brown -

Joker groaned and let his head fall against the passenger headrest.

“What’s your relationship to Batman?” he tried again. The car swerved a little as Bruce Wayne cleared his throat.

“Uh, none. Never heard of the guy.” Bruce Wayne chuckled nervously. “Why, are you trying to kidnap me?”

“Wh- No! And I know you’re lying!”

Bruce Wayne’s eyes looked a little desperate. He put his foot down and Joker slammed back in the seat as the car raced impossibly faster.

“Sorry,” Bruce Wayne said, sounding anything but. “I really gotta get home.”

Joker leaned forward with a struggle, reaching to wrest control of the car, but fell back again as Bruce Wayne landed an unexpectedly solid punch on his nose.

“Don’t,” Bruce Wayne growled.

 _Of course Batman trained him in self-defence_ , Joker thought. He crossed his arms and sourly waited for the car to stop.

They skidded into Wayne Manor’s garage. Bruce Wayne leapt out of the car before it stopped moving and raced inside, slamming the door behind him.

“Hey, wait-!” Joker tumbled over the edge of the convertible, and before he could pick himself up, Batman was looming overhead, looking furious.

“What do you want with Bruce Wayne?” Batman snarled.

“That’s none of your business,” Joker sniffed. “I just wanted to have a conversation with him, that’s all.”

“What about?”

“I said none of your business!” Joker pulled himself to standing and brushed himself down, trying to seem nonchalant. “Now if you could just send him out and I can have a quick word -”

“Why are you so obsessed with him?”

“Excuse me?”

“You show up at his house, you get into his car -”

“It’s not _me_ that married him!”

“Bruce Wayne isn’t married!”

“Fine, civil partnership then, whatever.” Joker rolled his eyes. “I don’t know why I’m bothering.”

“Excuse me, sir.” The butler coughed. Joker didn’t know how long he’d been standing there. “Perhaps Joker would like to be invited over for dinner, as we’d discussed.”

“As _you_ discussed, Alfred,” Batman muttered petulantly. “It wasn’t my idea.”

“You seemed to like it all the same,” Alfred continued. “And seeing as Joker has been spending so much time around the Manor lately -”

“Fine!” Batman turned to Joker, refusing eye contact. “Would you like to come to have dinner with me? Tomorrow night. Not a date or anything. Just eating. Maybe a movie, if we feel it, I dunno.”

Joker bit down on his lip and nodded, trying not to show too much excitement. Batman shuffled his feet, kicking at nothing.

“Great. Cool.”

“Sir?” Alfred said.

“Yes, Alfred, good idea, see you tomorrow Joker, good night.” Batman pushed Alfred back into the manor and slammed the door. Joker waited a moment before letting out a little cheer.

But wait. What about Bruce Wayne? Was Batman using him as a side piece? Or had Joker misinterpreted the dinner invitation? But then why was Batman inviting him for dinner? Was this some elaborate trap? Or worse, a joke? Was Batman making fun of him? Joker flopped back into Bruce Wayne’s car and sighed, running a hand through his hair. He noticed with a blush that it was still all messed up from the car ride. He’d talked to Batman with messy hair, ugh, of course he had.

Joker closed his eyes. He was angry, but also nervous, but also - he didn’t know what. He just hoped he’d get answers tomorrow night.


End file.
